This is me yesterday, as you can hopefully see, in the bath. (Actual photo of myself in the bath taken down)
I look at wonder and happiness at this photo because not only am I ok with having my photograph taken, I am in the bath, naked! And not only that but I am now posting this said photo, online for the world to see. Oh I’ve always been a poser…BUT very carefully selected photos of me, lots of makeup, head shot only, please don’t get my body in! Maybe a sneaky peak at my cleavage, which was, before I lost weight, pretty ample and looked good in a bra anyway!
Now looking at this photo I am happy with the way I look, makeup running down my face, wet, smiling, naked and free. Do I feel this freedom because of the weight I have lost or because of the confidence I have found in myself and other people? Bolstered by the body positive movement that is helping me to embrace myself whatever size, I am really trying!
What you don’t see in this photo is the fear I felt a few hours earlier when I went to visit THE most lovely Gastric specialist EVER, Dr Appleton. He told me, after I was admitted to hospital with chronic stomach pains that my band has slipped…again. For the second time. He also explained that the majority of people who have bands are now having them removed because they are not the miracle the medical world first thought. They cause more problems than they fix.
Dr Appleton explained that my stomach has actually gone up and over my band, like a belly going over a belt. Whilst he is not concerned for the moment, there is a possibility that the blood supply to that part of my stomach could stop, my stomach can die, and fall off…scary stuff.
But for now, because at A&E I had some fluid removed, and my symptoms have lessened, I have some time to figure out what I want to do.
Ultimately the band needs to be removed. However I am terrified beyond words of putting on weight. You see, I never did tackle the psychological side to my weight gain or eating. I am scared I will just put all the weight back on, as Dr Appleton told me, most ex gastric band patients tend to do.
He also explained that I can convert my band into a bypass…even at the size I am now, because forward thinking surgeons realise the likelihood is, I will put all the weight back on. Best to tackle the problem now, then wait for the weight gain…right?
In my next blog I am going to explain the history behind my first band slippage, entitled ‘The Pain and the Weight Gain.’