I can’t sleep, it’s too hot, my boobs are getting in the way but the main thing is I have these thoughts circling my mind.
Bad ones, scary ones, ones that do not help me in my body positive journey. I would like to get up and eat to help these thoughts. I know this is not actually helpful or healthy but then a side of me considers this…if you are truly body positive, does it matter that you get up and eat that tub of ice-cream?
I am really confused and sometimes frustrated with the body positive movement. Not with the movement itself but with the fact my mind can’t quite seem to connect with its ethos fully. I think this is because I spent nearly 30 years hearing that my body wouldn’t get me anywhere. That not only wasn’t I enough but I was TOO much. That what I was, wasn’t beautiful. That actually, despite my amazing personality, nobody would ever love me if I was big. I wouldn’t get jobs, I couldn’t be a positive role model for children or others. People would think I was lazy because of my size. That I would never be safe to have children and even if I managed it, what kind of mother could I ever possibly be to them?
I am crying as I am writing this, crying not just for myself but for those people who still hear these things and still believe them….maybe I still do.
It is so difficult to change a mind-set that has been forced upon you everywhere you look. Films, magazines, posters, adverts, and when you look to your family for solace and the confirmation that, despite your size, you are a good person, you get responses that hurt you and stay within your soul, how can you truly believe that you are wanted, appreciated and accepted no matter what size?