I am putting on weight.
Since having my band loosened at accident and emergency recently, I have been able to eat pretty much what I want and have only thrown up twice, which is, if you know me, extremely rare.
It is a strange juxtaposition. The happiness eating again brings, tinged with the fear of weight gain.
It is so difficult to not be terrified of something which scarred my life for so many years, even when I am trying to be completely body positive and love myself no matter what size.
My main motivation is I want to stay as mobile as I am now, which is more about health than looks. I don’t want to go back with aching feet and back whenever I walk even a short way. I don’t want to get out of breath and start sweating when climbing even one staircase, and now more than ever, I want to be healthy in order to perhaps start a family in the not so distant future.
I also like the way I look now in clothes, yes, I have always been vain, even when larger, but now I honestly feel my clothes sit better on my body. Does that go against the body positive mantra?? It feels like I am letting this noble cause down by even feeling this way.
How do people feel positive about being a size that felt like it only ever brought pain, rejection and ridicule? I know that isn’t every plus size person’s experience but it was mine.
If I do put on weight I would feel guilty and ashamed I think. Stupid I know but truthful. Ashamed of the fact I couldn’t maintain weight loss without a functioning band when other people seem to manage it. Guilt that I put my family through 3 operations and some pretty difficult times, in order to just land back where I started…..
The fear is worse than anything, fear that as soon as I have got to a place in my life where I feel content, dare I say it, even happy, that my weight gain would push me backwards. I don’t even know if my happiness is even directly related to my weight loss, it could all just be a coincidence, but it is the only tangible thing that I can hold on to which I can attribute this happiness to. I am scared to be depressed again and in my head, weight equals unhappiness. How can I extricate the two?